Dear Baba

This is a letter from a 10 year old me. Do you remember our cycle rides? You always used to buy me sweets and balloons after that. I remember one particular day where I was as usual sitting on the front seat of your cycle and you tied the just purchased helium filled balloon on the handle of your cycle. But suddenly it flew away and it rose up and up. Baba, do you know you were my best friend? Yes you ‘were’. What happened to you suddenly? Why did you become so distant, silent and violent? Why you had to take those powdery things to feel good? Why everyone suddenly started to behave in a different manner? Why they said that ‘go to sleep before your father returns ‘? Or ‘don’t tell your father everything’. Why maa always used to be scared of you? Even then why every day she kept on saying, ‘everything will be okay’?

I didn’t like when I had to yell at you. But somehow I felt, if I don’t yell, you will kill us. Just like you try to hurt every one when you are angry! Why are you always so angry? Do you want a new shirt? Or my share of chocolates? I have always shared my chocolates with all of you. Please speak to me. Do you know, every one in my class pities me? I have heard them say, “ah! poor girl, she doesn’t have a nice father. Her mother has to work as he doesn’t want to work.” Well, I don’t need many things. You can just bring me sweets and balloons.

Reflections and rant… From a teenage version of me!

Being an addict is hard. But what do you do when you are the child of an addict? You grow up being pitied, sympathized, bullied and what not! You can’t say anything to the ‘person’ because apparently he had a troubled childhood! Okay! But did that give him the free ticket to affect the life of other people? No. Can it justify his actions? Also No! Does it make him a horrible person? Sadly no. And that is where all the confusion starts. You don’t know whether to totally hate or totally love that person? What do you do then? You create a make believe world where everything is fine, you also start falling in love randomly. Specifically with people who are unavailable. Why? Because you don’t get to speak to your father whenever you have any severe issue as he is having one of his mental episodes! So you think that it is okay for men to be emotionally unavailable. And what happens when the person decides to transform his life one fine day? Do you think that happens in a single day? Recovering addicts will tell you the meaning of convulsion, withdrawal symptoms, terrible mood swings and what not! Your life is full of visits to rehabs, hospitals, N.A meets, A.A meets etc. You know every addict lingo! You know every abuse in the world! You become a mini version of your parent minus the substance abuse! But sadly you are a girl, and you are supposed to behave in a certain way no matter what caused that behaviour. So you keep on sabotaging your relationships, fall for toxic people, get into dangers and yet get abused for having anger issues! How funny!

Then you remember your blessings! You have wonderful friends, an angel named ‘mother’ and finally a transformed father. But does things magically change for you? No. But you get to realise that you have to work on yourself before you look at the world with a broken heart!

His Vows

As he was about to sign his marriage certificate,
he recalled the vows he wrote specifically for her.
He was jittery, but when he saw her in her bridal finery, looking ethereal, his heart skipped a beat and he regained his courage.
It was not in their culture to write their own vows, but they always made their own rules.
Both of them signed the document and the rituals followed.
He was most nervous during the vermillion ceremony.
As he applied a tiny amount of the crimson powder symbolising marriage, his hands trembled.
She was surprisingly calm.
The usually restless woman was the image of grace and poise that day.
She glowed with happiness and pride amidst her loved ones.
Now it was time for him to read his vows.

He took out a small notebook from the pocket of his traditional outfit and started to read…
“My love, I don’t have words to express the amount of love and affection I have for you.
I count my blessings everytime you smile and assure me that you will be there for me.
-I vow to be there for you, in sickness and health, and in life’s difficult turnings.
-I vow to love you on days when you look your best and worst alike.
-I vow no matter how much we fight, I will never let you go to sleep angry or upset.
-I vow to not let my vices cloud your heart with doubt.
-I vow to feed you, care for you and pamper you on bad days, and be there as your best friend.
-I vow to never let you forget your passion and your dreams. I will push you to pursue them as much as I can.
-And…I will always take care of your parents as my own and never let them feel awkward.
I know there are 7 vows, but I have written one more,

• The biggest vow is my trust and love towards you, which I will try to live upto. And this breaks my heart to say this.
  If any day you stop loving me, I should be the first person to know.
  Your smile makes my day, and I will try to keep it intact.
  …… As he closed the notebook, he found every one speechless, and his beautiful bride in tears.
  They held hands and embraced each other amidst applause and laughter from their loved ones.

Wait.. A domestic one

I will wait for you every day,
After I get home from work,
Exhausted from the day’s grinding.
After I wash off my fatigue under the shower and get into my comfy clothes in your favourite colour,
I will curse you a bit in my mind for making me wait and prepare myself a strong cup of coffee.
Then I will check the fridge for the ingredients to create magic.
However angry I am on you, I will prepare a dish for you every day,
With little help from our ‘help’.
And once you reach home, I will hug you tight and welcome you.
On dinner table we will discuss about mundane things of every day,
And I will watch you lick your plate with pleasure.
I will smile softly and continue speaking

Continued…
You know how much I hate the odour of cigarettes, yet you have to smoke post dinner.
And you think a breath mint will cover that up?
You think my wait for entire day will end the time we make love?
No…
It is eternal.
It is a choice made out of love.
Like on certain days when you are home early, even you wait for me and cook my favourite meal.
We chose to wait for each other every day.
The way you roll your tongue over my shivering curves tell me that the feeling of longing is mutual.
The way you wait for me and prolong our passionate acts tell me that I am the most important person.
The way our loud moans overlap each other’s, tell me we crave for each other every moment.
Our domesticity only increases our love for each other.

If I Love You..

If I Love You..
If I love you, I will be brutally honest with you on some days, and quietly understanding on others.
I will wake you up with sloppy morning kisses and fragrance of tea.
I will let you choose the menu for the day and peel garlic with you.
I will talk about first world problems on some days, and silly nonsense on others.
I will fight with you when I am angry and let you calm me down with your words.

I will hold you closer on bad days and let you pour your heart out to me.
I will snuggle up to you with a tub of ice cream and hot bag when I am menstruating and your company will comfort me.
I will be your 24*7 nonstop chattering buddy.
I will touch your body the way we touch each other’s soul.
Slowly, passionately and with increasing pace.
I will share my domesticity with you, if you do the same.
I will be the Jerry to your Tom if I love you.

Results- chapter 1

Yet again, the 10th grade results are out. Yet again, a huge number of kids and their parents got either happy or not so happy. Yet again some expectations will meet and some won’t. Yet again the students will have to start running be a part of the rat race. Yet again some dreams will be shattered and some new dreams will be taking their place.

Yet, the big question still remains hanging….

‘Are marks important’?- well, the question looks simple, and most of us even without thinking for a second time will answer ‘No, not at all’. And some will say ‘Yes’.

In both these cases, we forget the basic point, the most important question, ‘Are marks more important than knowledge?’

Now, a lot of us will struggle to answer. As, for us marks are a way to show our potential in front of the world. But in most of the cases, we will find that what is lacking, is deep knowledge.

Let me give a simple example, suppose you got the highest marks in any of the subjects in your board exams, and you decide to pursue higher education in that. But, after studying for a few months, you decide to drop out of college and take a break.

Now at this point, you will start to feel the pressure of the society, your family and in worst cases, your own conscience. You will start questioning your credibility. But, you will never go back in time and think of the possible reasons. So, what could have gone wrong?

May be you got good marks in that particular subject not because of your passion and understanding, but because you concentrated on learning that subject only to score more marks, so that you can secure your future. Or may be you just studied hard. But, my point is, you didn’t have enough passion towards that subject to continue studying it in future. It was just a ladder for you, to rise higher.

So..I would like to tell something to all the smart, and intelligent kids out there who are still confused about their future. Some might have got good grades, some might not have got them. But this cannot be the deciding factor of your future. If you are choosing something, think a number of times before that, and even if you make a wrong choice, rectify it once you get the realisation.

Remember one thing, at the end of the day, it is your future which is at stake. And it is your happiness that matters. Do not be rash. Stay calm and go ahead with your life.

Dedicated to my students.

P.S- Thank you to someone for inspiring me to write this.

Moumita

Emotional (UN)availability!

I belong to a generation who has been through some major turbulence. We have seen doordarshan, Ekta Kapoor serials, web series. We read novels, short stories, online stories, blogs, even micro tales. We used land lines, button phones, phones with qwerty keypads, camera phones, smartphones (still using) of all versions, and a few lucky(read rich) people got to use iPhones.

We used to wear loose, ill-fitted clothes in childhood, fake copies of glam world inspired outfits in our teenage and developed a sense of style only after we completed formal education. We grew up with idea of a perfect relationship=marriage and went on to realise that it is not the perfect truth.

We grew up with one career dream, changed it, re changed it, and started to make adjustments. We still dream of a perfect home, a perfect job and a perfect relationship. We know this world is full of imperfections, still…

Now, coming back to the topic which made me write this blog. Emotional availability. It is a term, which is being used a lot now. It is nothing complicated as we make it. It simply means ‘being there’ for a person. That person might be anyone. Your parents, friends, partner, a person you like, a person you adore, anyone. In this busy world, it is very difficult to be physically present with all the important people in our lives. But, we can send them a text, call them, see them on video call, or just send an email. We can simply say that, “even if I am not there with you, but I am always there for you”.

The problem comes when one person becomes ‘too busy’, then the other one seem ‘needy’. May be it is not the fault of either of them. May be it is the faulty communication tools we use. Or may be, we fail to communicate altogether.

Or maybe we have innumerable ‘options’! But at the end of the day, the big question comes : ” are we willing to work it out, or are we going to jump on from one option to another, until we find the best or settle for worst, thinking that it is the best.

May be, next time, we should keep our ‘personal problems’ aside and make a good old phone call to our dear ones, and actually ask them ‘whether they are okay or not’.

May be, if we get back to our old ways of communication and old ways of maintaining relationships, hopefully we could build beautiful and long-term companionship.

Till then…. All we can do is, love ourselves a little more.

Moumita Saha

#Forever #Friendship #Relationships

Renewal

Well..when I made a sketch of a cracking heart and sent it to my big brother, he said ‘from the broken heart, new heart is emerging.’ I thought he was too positive. Even after a few days my thoughts are same. May be I will think the same thing even after a few months. But the idea of ‘new life, new heart emerging out’ stayed with me. The entire idea was so beautiful that I kept on thinking about it….

I think the concept of pain varies from person to person. And it changes according to situation also. If you ask a pregnant mother who is going to deliver her child, ‘is this pain breaking her?’ She will tell with an ethereal smile all over her face, that her body might feel like breaking, but her heart is renewing.

Now, if you ask the same question to a mother, who cannot provide two square meals to her child, her answer would even break your heart. But, will her heart renew? Yes, it might. When she can find enough food to feed her child/children and see them running around with a full belly. The smile on her face will be the same as a mother giving birth to her first baby.

Now, lot of us make fun of break ups and separations, telling that ‘this is not a real issue’! I mean come on folks, if you decide to build a future with a person and that hope crushes midway, are you going to do cabaret???

Depression is a real problem, so is hunger and so is anxiety. Everyone has their own pain and own story to tell. Everyone is fighting their own devils. So the least we can do is not judge. If we can help a person out, even in our own little way, that will matter. Even if one person sleeps at night with a stomach full of food, and a roof over his head because of you, you did your part. Even if one person decides to give up the idea of committing suicide because of you, you did your part. Even if you make a difference in the life of one person, you definitely did your part.

And so, through the renewal of other hearts and other lives, you end up renewing yours. 😊

Moumita Saha

A LETTER

Dear,

Well this is my first letter dedicated to you. I will never share even your first name to the world. The way we share soft smiles whenever we cross paths or the way we sometimes look away from each other, every moment is special to me. We are not really emotionally close, but I like the way it is. Negative space will kill the charm of my admiration. Though I would like to be your friend some time, yet whatever is there is also not bad. I don’t know you have noticed or not, but I blush whenever I look at you.

But this feeling is similar to an innocent childhood crush. I quietly listen to your voice whenever you are nearby and share quick glances whenever we are in some funny situation.

I like your ideologies and mannerisms and appreciate them either verbally or silently. What I feel for you is not love, but more like admiration and respect. When I get an opportunity, I would definitely carry forward the little things I learnt from you. And if I can be bold enough….. some time in near future I would definitely tell you about my admiration for you. Till then, I would keep on admiring you secretly…..

From a secret admirer.

Monthly….

Dates,periods, monthly visit, aunt flow and various other names are given to a quite common biological process called ‘Menstruation’. It usually takes place around the age of 9-13(According to research, it may vary) and can continue till the age of 40-50 or more.

In simple words, the onset of menarche means a woman’s body is getting ready for reproduction.

But in India, in most parts (both rural and urban) there are various superstitions associated with periods. Women are not allowed to enter any religious place, kitchen. It is also believed that if a woman on her periods touched the jar of pickle, it would spoil and women suddenly gain the super power of wilting plants with their touch.

Sadly, most men are completely unaware of it and that includes educated people. It is mostly considered as ‘ladies’ problem’. Some women are also considered dirty during periods!

Periods come with its friends- stomach cramps, mood swings, body aches and cravings. Though all these may vary from person to person, but all women get some discomfort during her menstruation. Some women may get severe stomach cramps. I remember one of my friends literally used to scream in pain and had to pop painkillers every month during her periods and her entire neighbourhood knew about that. Some of my friends experienced no pain at all (Lucky girls!) and some had weird food cravings.

I remember, during my school days we used to feel extremely uncomfortable as certain people around made us feel dirty. Thankfully, I had an understanding and cool family who treated me normally even on periods. My father particularly insisted me to drink lots of fluids to keep my body hydrated and never made me feel uncomfortable.

Now, times have changed. We have technology at the tip of our fingers. We seem to know every other thing around us. But this topic is still a hush-hush. I think it is time to educate our boys and girls about basic biology not only in schools, but also at home. The more they know, the more understanding and caring men would become towards women during their periods. And kind words and a friendly gesture always provides extra comfort. Let us make this world a little more wonderful for everybody by being a little compassionate towards each other on their bad days.

P.S – My suggestions for an ideal period kit.

• Pads or tampons
• A guide leaflet or book for those who are getting it for the first time
• Clean undergarments
• Hand sanitizer
• Some chocolates
• Plus you can keep a hot water bag handy. Moumita